A is for...

A is for Airplane - I dreaded flying and avoided it like the plague. I even quit a job that began to require to much of it. The horror stories associated with the airplane started before I even left the house. Size 26/28 garments took up a lot of room. Even weekend trips turned into several suitcase productions. No little carry-on for me. Soooooo I get to the airport where if I was traveling with others the comments would start "Wow!?! you pack a lot" "You do know it's just for the weekend right?" Ummm yeah. Thanks.

On to the ticket counter. Now I've never actually had them make me pay for another seat but I've had a few threats of it and comments like: "Will one seat be adequate for you ma'am?" Southwest Airlines was the worst for this and I actually stopped flying them because of it.

We're off right? wrong. Upon entering the plane, I would discreetly ask the flight attendant to give me a seat belt extender and often it was passed quietly to me but every once and awhile I'd get a flight attendant who would call down the length of the plane to her co-worker "Janet do you know where the seat belt exxxxxxttttteeeeennnnnddderrrrr is?" Can I die now? OK I've got my extender and heading down the aisle. Here come the stares and nasty looks by the people that see a fat chick coming and think "Please don't let her have seat 9B" and then "Damn!" with a look of disgust when you do indeed have seat 9B.

Finally you are snug as a bug in your seat and ready for takeoff. Well it's all good until drinks and food begin. Try balancing a cup of coffee and a hot meal on your lap because the tray table down and my body in the seat weren't happening at the same time. I prayed no one was sitting next to me or someone I knew so I could share their tray table. Now I won't even begin to talk about if God forbid I had to pee.

A is for Assbone - So I've lost 138 pounds so far and I discovered something. I have bones and they aren't big like I once claimed. I used to say, "I'm big boned" but you know what I'm not they are actually kind of small and jut out. It's been nice getting to know these new protrusions... collarbones, ribs, hips. Well all except one... my assbone. I know the proper term is coccyx but I prefer assbone and it begins with an "A". Well my assbone hurts like hell. I can't find a chair I feel comfortable in. I am constantly shifting from side to side. Fuhgetabout sitting on park benches. How do the skinny bitches do this??

I asked my Dr. about my assbone pain and he said, "Well Michelle you've got a lot less padding there." Well shit 10 years of med school for that answer. He also told me I needed to exercise more and develop my glute muscles and then talked about buying a pillow that looked like a flippin donut. Like being fat I didn't have enough embarrassing moments to last a lifetime now you want me to carry around a donut-shaped ass cushion. Yeah no thanks.