F is for...

Fat Chick version

F is for Folding Chairs - A common site at graduations, weddings, baby showers always sent shudders down my spine. I'd gingerly (as gingerly as 295 pounds can be) sit down and say a prayer. Creeking and popping ensued and thankfully my worst nightmare never came true. God just talking about it gives me the chills.

Satan's Chair

Post Gastric Bypass version

F is for Fear of Failure - I personally think a healthy fear of failure is a good thing. It keeps my head in the game. I'll never say -145 pounds gone forever. I know those little fat cells (well not those I just got wacked off with plastics) but those remaining are just hanging around waiting in the wings for me to screw up, get lazy, lose focus, reach for the bread basket, take a second helping.

RNY was my last chance. There is something desperate and life changing about having your stomach severed and your intestines re-routed. Add to my story that I did it in a foreign country, alone and am still paying $ monthly for it. Failure is not an option. I'm sure other post-ops reading this feel the same way.

As you begin to feel and see the dramatic changes you never want to go back. That encourages me each day. On days it doesn't I look at a list I made of the worst things about being fat, my before pic (I put a Before & After pic on my fridge), a pair of my fat pants (a tight 26/28), find strength in others or I blog about it here.

For those in the beginning stages of this incredible journey I remember those stalls when the scale wouldn't move and I would freak out. We have all been on so many "diets" in the past and failed we can't imagine when something will finally work for us and when the scale slows those old fears creep in... am I going to fail? The answer is: maybe. This will work for you... for a time. The question really should be will you work for it?

Change your mind. Remember they operated on our guts not our head. The head thing... our responsibility. Don't think of this as something you have to get through till you reach goal. Hell I know I can suffer through something for a period of time I shot orange grease out of my ass for weeks on Xenical, ate pounds of grapefruits and gallons cabbage soup, stopped eating all together, took countless other diet pills. I can get through anything. Change that thinking because this isn't a diet. This is your life.

Change your life. Make changes that you can live with not just get through. Find protein rich healthy foods that you truly enjoy, incorporate exercise/activity that's fun and something you look forward to doing, find stress reducers that don't involve a bag of Pepperidge Farm Salsalito cookies and... keep a healthy fear.

If you are wondering what this entry is all about catch up here.


chakragirl06 said...

Does this mean now that I'm 3 mos out and eating healthier than I have in my whole life, as well as, eating less than I have ever & still not losing for about 2 weeks now & that's with exercise...........this too shall pass? I'm really feeling fear of failure right now. I mean I just made the decision to get gutted and re-routed.........please don't let this be it! I'm doing my best work ever here.............sometimes life is just hard.

Glad you're doing so well, I love reading your posts! They actually let me know I'm not alone on this journey!

~Big Hugs, Steffanie

jamie said...

Thank you for writing this wonderful blog! I enjoy reading it and love the recipes.

Susan said...

How wonderful to read your blog. And the food porn is amazing.

I love your honesty, and your funny, quirky humor. I too will never say, "X" amount of lbs. gone forever". I fear the return of my fat, and it is a constant thought every day. I have done well (I'm 6 months out, and 15 lbs. from goal.) I am amazed at my success, but fear what "could" happen. I also choose not to eat rice or bread, or drink soda, though realistically, I believe my pouch could handle most anything at this point. I have been very lucky, but don't plan to push my luck.

Take care. I hope the healing continues, and you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.


Anonymous said...

Did you know there is a really funny book out there called "Fat Chicks and Lawn Chairs"? I can't remember the author off the top of my head but it is a book of short little articles by her about life in general and of course one of them is about lawn chairs. :-) Just thought I'd share. I enjoy your blog a lot. I try to check in about once a week and see what you're doing! Love, Sandy in NJ

JanaO said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!Satans Chair!! They trotted those babies out at our last staff meeting! I STOOD in the back! I am PostOp for the sleeve! Love it!