H is for Happiness - I wasn't happy fat though I put on a damn good show. To my friends I was the happy, funny, chubby girl. I faked happy really well.
I remember one day in my early twenties I was having lunch with a bunch of friends of mine (all skinny chicks) We were looking at bridal magazines and discussing the upcoming wedding of one of the group. She was talking about her beautiful dress which prompted everyone to share what their dream dress would look like. It came around to me. Sure a dream dress in a size 28. That's not a dream that was my nightmare. I announced to the group, "I've never thought about the dress. Now the menu I can tell you every course. Fat chicks have their priorities." Of course this got a laugh from the group. I had to deflect. I was playing defense. It was my protection device. To say what they were thinking before they thought it and through the use of humor.
I thought, "If only I wasn't fat I'd be happy."
Post Gastric Bypass version
H is for Happiness - I blamed a lot of my life issues on being fat. I recall saying many times "Well if I wasn't fat" or "If I just lost weight" to explain away why my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be. To my disappointment it wasn't all about the fat. The stars didn't all align after I lost -148 pounds. Ummm hello?! I read the fairy tales it's time for the "happily ever after" part, right? At first I found something to blame... well it's getting rid of the loose skin and plastic surgery that needs to happen and then I'm sure I'll be happy. So I started my plastic surgery journey. Now I'm free of the skin issues (well for the most part ;) just don't look at my inner thighs). I'm starting to realize what I've been doing. Happiness isn't eluding me I am eluding happiness.
So last night I sat on the swing outback and watched the sunset and the almost full moon appear. I wished on the first star that appeared (and the second just in case the first was a planet or a plane) I was happy. I wasn't sitting with the love of my life. I wasn't sitting behind my dream house. Life wasn't perfect but... I'm trying to learn to take pleasure in simple everyday things. A beautiful sunset, a laugh with my Mum, crashing waves, a killer song, the season's first tomato from my garden (which was the best tomato I have ever eaten in my life by the way) all these things can bring happiness. I still have wishes, goals, dreams, even a "dream man", but life is too short to put happiness on hold. I'm taking it where I can.
I read something the other day (it's a little Hallmarky but it speaks the truth) thought I would share it and try and learn from it...
"We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and remember that time waits for no one.
So, stop waiting...
Until your car or home is paid off
Until you get a new car or home
Until your kids leave the house
Until you go back to school
Until you finish school
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married
Until you get a divorce
Until you have kids
Until you retire
Until summer
Until spring
Until winter
Until fall
Until you die
There is no better time than right now to be happy. (Beware: here's the super corny part) Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
If you are wondering what this entry is all about catch up here.
